Let me be very real with you guys.
I’m wounded. Emotionally, psychically. A lot more than I’ve wanted to admit. Even physically I feel like I’m a lot weaker than I should be.
I’ve been down some dark roads. I’ve done things which I don’t feel comfortable writing about now (but only because my self love isn’t strong enough for me not to be defensive about them, and I don’t want to write about anything if I’m going to be defensive).
I’m arrogant, I feel like I’m a special case. In some, many cases this is true. I am a very unusual and by my admission special person, even without the wounds. In other cases this is just defensiveness, fear of other people. The fear that I have to be special to get noticed. Or the fear that other people will attack me if I express my specialness cleanly like I was born to do.
Excuse me, Nelson Mandela wants to butt in:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Thanks, Nelson. I feel a bit better.
So we’ve gone over my failings. What CAN I do then? Simply put, I’m going to bring total and utter revolution to this world in my thought, word and deed. I’m responsible for only one part of the world, which is me, but seeing as I’m a part of everything else, I’m responsible for all of it, too.
I hope you see the truth behind the apparent paradox there and don’t just take that as me trying to be flippant.
I’m wounded, but once upon a time I faced death. I was in constant pain from my chronic disease and there was nothing which seemed to suggest I wouldn’t just stay as I was until I died of exhaustion, if nothing else. Suicide seemed to start to be an inviting option.
And so I was forced to face the question – not what I would die for, but what would I LIVE for?
I couldn’t put it into words, yet somehow I knew there was something out there. It went against every pseudo-rational concept that I had been conditioned with, yet I couldn’t deny it. There was SOMETHING out there.
And this became my driving force, my faith for the next few years.
I passed through buddhism and Eckhart Tolle’s teachings and it seemed to me for a while that this SOMETHING was enlightenment.
Yet I spent a couple of years with enlightenment as my highest priority and neither achieved fulfilment, nor much success.
Before that getting social success was my first priority, because the psychological texts I was reading suggested that this was that SOMETHING. After that, until now, I have been thinking that I need to get financial success, this time not as my SOMETHING itself, but as a means to have the freedom to discover it. Yet I didn’t find myself advancing towards that goal much. And I myself was mostly the person who was standing in my way. I could earn money in many different ways, and to be honest it’s not that hard to. Yet there was that SOMETHING again. How could my money earning be aligned with not just money, but the divine, glorious SOMETHING? Could that SOMETHING make the journey not just fruitful, but enjoyable? If I had this SOMETHING, would I finally get out of my own way?
This SOMETHING, what is it?
I think the key was not to look for the SOMETHING for myself, but to open up the possibility of SOMETHING that would go beyond myself and my person and accompass the totality.
I don’t know if I’m normal in this. Hell, I know I’m not normal. But I’m not writing for normal people. I’m writing for the people who are going to change the world. But what I live for, this SOMETHING, is the powerful urge to do something that goes beyond me. To be honest money, social acceptance and even personal spiritual achievement pales in comparison to this. I’m going beyond personal. I’m becoming more than just me.
This incredible feeling, it’s not even done for the personal pleasure it gives me. This is the mindfuck. I’m not doing it for me because this joy and pleasure isn’t me. It, through me, is God coming out to say “hi”.
It’s not to say I don’t care about my personal desires. Why wouldn’t I, if I’m a part of the whole? Yet my personal desires could never fulfill me and never provided enough motivation for me to achieve anything. In this unpolarised morass of personal desires and transcendental desires, I was apathetic towards everyting, and just dead inside. I didn’t want “normal” because all of the bullshit in the “normal” world couldn’t make me want to live once I no longer had a fear of death.
I.
Wanted.
To.
Go.
Beyond.
And so, now, I state:
I don’t want personal money. I want abundance, and freedom for them to express their highest truth, for all people.
I don’t want personal social acceptance. I want love and joy and connectedness and shameless loving sex for ALL people. I want no one to feel lonely in the world ever again.
I don’t want personal spiritual success. I want every God damn one of us to rise up in vibrational glory.
I don’t want personal healing. My wound is your wound, as we’re all in the same situation. I want to heal all of humanity.
Because I, without you, am nothing.
Flawed as I am, that is my aim. Nothing else could drive me to go beyond my wounds and make something of my life. Nothing but making my life a part of everyone elses’ life. That, and not anything else, is for me what it means to be to be a lightworker.
